Chalcedon's journal

Something jars me out of context, out of time.  A thought chases itself around inside my head.  And around.  And around.  It is joined by another.  And another.  Followed by a whole stream of things, all bickering with a cacophony of noiseless sound.  And the slow avalanche of inevitability slides down.  Burying me in darkness.

Thank you southernmyst!

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

I feel somewhat guilty for neglecting you all.  I have 6 weeks of news and events to catch you up on.

My absence can be partially excused by the fact that I've been absolutely flat tack for the last month.  I graduated October 30th, sat two exams (on November 2nd and 3rd), prepared a poster for conferece (which I still need to email to 2_4601 and unspeakablevorn, sorry you two!).  Went to conference (in Christchurch).  Now I am sitting in a computer lab at uni, 7 hours drive from home listening to fans whir in the background.  It's really very lonely.

The cause that I cannot excuse however, is that I have been playing World of Warcraft.  Mahal and NightRain introduced Forj and I to this about a month ago.  This happened shortly after activity on IRC took a substantial dive, particularly during the day time.  So it rapidly became the only way I could keep my brain occupied.  This, of course, is no excuse.

Graduation was great, I got a picture of me with my supervisor, plus many others (which i should post some of).  I got capped by Jim Bolger, which was a bit of a shock.  I really enjoyed the conference, I got to meet lots of useful and interesting people and listen to lots of interesting things.

I've been a bit more cheerful in recent months, which I think is more due to the fact that I've had company during the day that the effect of my medication.  However four days down here on my own is.... not helpful.  Particularly when we repeat the same thing three times in class - my brain simply says 'heard this already... goodbye!'.  Then it wanders off and gets up to mischief.  But, this is a compulsory contact course, thus here I am for two more days.

*sigh*

Well, I managed to get myself working finally.  But everything is taking twice as long as it should.  This isn't assisted by the fact that I'm just about useless after lunch.  Ah well.  I'll get there, eventually.

Well, the medication seems to be working.  I'm not panicking at all and I generally feel happy/good/normal and, quite by chance, it's fixed up some of my digestive issues (not perfectly, but they're better).  Most of the nasty side effects have passed, thank goodness.  However, I've been left with two: a great deal of fatigue (as in, sleep til 8-8.30, sleep for two hours in the afternoon and bed by 10pm (about 12 hours sleep all up) and I'm still getting bags under my eyes) and complete lack of motivation to do anything.

I realise both of these are symptoms of depression, but you'll have to take my word for it that they are substantially different to the effects I experienced prior to starting my medication.  Inability to work because I'm scared? yes, that was my primary reason for seeking treatment.  Inability to work because I'm simply not interested? no, that's a new one. 

It could be that the treatment has unmasked my real attitude or a different problem, but it's difficult to deal with.  I have three assignments I need to do and no idea how to get myself working.  That's quite apart from the slew of other things I need to do.  So at the moment it's hard to say which I prefer: the disorder or the treatment.

Edit: I can't believe I forgot this bit: I'm also eating like a teenage male despite all the extra sleep.  I would normally sleep about 9 hours a night and occasionally nap in the afternoons.

The mouse I mentioned in my October 1st 'Crystal ball gazing' post arrived on my doorstep this morning.  It was a complete shock.  My initial reaction (immediately after surprise and gratitude) was to have NightRain shot for purchasing it (along with Mahal).  But I have been informed that my conclusion is erroneous.  Apparently I need to shoot multiple people.

So, if you're one of the people who assisted in the purchase of my new mouse (and I would really like to know who you all are).  Firstly, thank you very much.  I am enormously grateful and it was completely unnecessary for you to do that.  Secondly, please consider yourself to have been shot.

*Chalcy goes away to sit and contemplate the generosity of her friends*

For the record, pillow fighting with your significant other makes an excellent way to a) cheer yourself up and b) excercise.

This is a listing of where I want to be in 12 months time, complete with a rating out of 10 estimating my chances of success.

In no particular order:

• Have my anxiety and panic under control and be preparing to come off antidepressants in a suitable time frame. 5/10.
• Be starting my PhD. 7/10.
• Have funding applications for my PhD submitted. 8/10.
• Have enough savings for a house deposit. 0/10.
• Have a job. 2/10.
• Have completed my GDApplStat (aside from finishing my analysis project). 8/10.
• Have published the first of the papers from my thesis. 5/10.
• Have my new mouse. 6/10.  8/10/07 Purchased for me by my friends.
  

Edit: mouse link.
Edit: mouse status updated.

A year ago on Friday, NightRain arrived in New Zealand.  This makes a rather more convenient milestone than say, Christmas or my birthday because we were all so anxious about it.  Birthdays and Christmases kind of come and go so regularly that they start to meld into one another.

This time last year I’d barely started writing up my thesis and had barely acknowledged that I had a problem with anxiety.  So I guess this post is mostly a list of some of the highlights and lowlights of the past 12 months, plus some other things that have stuck in my memory.

In approximately chronological order

• NightRain arriving in New Zealand
• Forj’s graduation
• Going to the AWMS Conference in Auckland
• Completing the analysis for my thesis
• Watching my writing improve as I completed more of my thesis
• Driving my arms to the limits of their endurance while writing my thesis
• Going crazy with stress and anxiety
• Handing my thesis in (on time even)
• Moving to Auckland
• Managing the move mostly on my own
• Realising that I actually like statistics
• Discovering Firefly and Serenity
• Getting rejected for a job because of my arms
• Sitting in a freezing exam room for my Statistics exam
• Getting an A for my programming paper
• Admitting that I had a serious problem with anxiety and panic and that being on the pill was almost certainly contributing to this
• A hornet enema (if you don’t know, don’t ask and don’t google either)
• Getting an A on my thesis (and first class honours)
• Being able to help out a friend
• Discovering that I actually have a sexuality buried under my School marm exterior
• Peaches
• Holding a costume party to celebrate my thesis results and dressing up in silly costumes
• Helping to organise a surprise party for Mahal’s birthday
• Realising that Calculus isn’t as scary as I remember
• Realising that even if the pill was the root cause of the anxiety problem, simply stopping it was not going to fix everything
• Receiving my first scientific journal in the post
• Going on antidepressants
• Helping to organise a surprise party for NR to celebrate one year of living in New Zealand

And you know?  There’s more good things than bad ones on that list.

Many thanks to those involved in some way, for better or worse.  Most particularly: Reiver, Mahal, NightRain, Vorn and Forj.  There are many more people I’m thankful to than these five, but I seriously doubt my ability to supply an exhaustive list.

Perhaps I’ll write another post soon, looking forward to the next year.

I only just noticed when I logged on that my google toolbar has lost contact with my gmail account.  Consequently I didn't pick up a couple of comments as quickly as I usually like to.  So, my apologies!  You were not forgotten!

In other news, I have made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday.  So I shall let you all know what the verdict is.

Today has been extremely frustrating.  Having acknowledged that I need to get stuff done I resolved to get at least some of my calculus assignment done.  Unfortunately simply attempting to read my calculus notes sets off a panic attack.  It appears my mental block on the current topic has teamed up with my anxiety.  Brilliant.

So what about the abstract I need to submit this time next week (and should be checked by both supervisors first)?  Well, given I don’t really know what I should do with it and can’t even make up my mind where to start, that sets off a panic attack too. 

I’m mostly ok providing I don’t think about calculus or abstracts, so I’ve been playing a game (which I’m not supposed to do either!  It’s bad for my arms and makes them cramp up).  But now there’s a bug in that which means I can’t complete it properly and I have to go redo a whole heap of stuff. 

So, in summary, the two things I need to do are giving me panic attacks and the one thing that’s preventing me thinking about those two too much is now seriously pissing me off.  Oh and I’m constantly exhausted for no apparent reason and have lost my symptom diary. 

I really don’t want to think about what could go wrong next.

Dear God:

Whoever it was that you gave permission to play with my brain like a yo-yo, I've had enough now.  Ok?

Thanks,
Chalcy.

Meme, borrowed from bladespark.

1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top ten results

For me:

1. Environmental Consultant
2. Marine Biologist
3. Computer Programmer
4. Pet Groomer
5. Security Systems Technician
6. Animal Breeder
7. Zoologist
8. Botanist
9. Business Systems Analyst
10.Bicycle Mechanic

This is somewhat random.  I mean, bicycle mechanic?  Me? *rotfl*  Most of the rest at least make some sense somewhere.

Also: why do they always rank marine biology above all the other kinds of biology?  It's weird.

When I was at school I came across a quote (I can't remember who said it!): "All I want out of life is to be normal".  Its something I've pondered quite a lot over the years.  This is another round of pondering.

Recently bladespark posted a link to an article entitled is there anything good about men?  Which I seem to recall coming across bits of before, and found very interesting.  The portion which is relevant to my current topic is the idea that, in evolutionary (ie reproductive) terms, men are more likely to be successful if they take risks, are adventurous, aggressive and most importantly, are successful at these things.  In other words, men are most successful if they are different.  Conversely, women are most successful if they play it safe, stick close to home and don't do anything interesting.  In other words, women are most successful when they are normal (or boring if you prefer). 

Our society encourages these things, including (if not especially!) with respect to sexual behaviour, to the point where they are stereotypes.  Take as an example the fact that at worst society turns a blind eye to promiscuity in men; we expect it, consciously or not.  On the other hand, promiscuity in women can be quite harshly punished.  How many times have you heard a woman described as a slut, or a whore?  How many times do you hear similar terms applied to men?  And even when such terms are used, they often do little other than to enhance the man in question's status or reputation.

I think it is perhaps an inevitable consequence of this that girls (I can't really comment on boys) are pushed towards normality by their peers, and indeed by themselves.  As a teenager I was convinced that the daftest things made people popular (the only example I'm going to give is braces (of the kind that go on your teeth)). 

I tormented myself with so many questions: was I pretty enough? (no, I was too tall and bony), why didn't boys like me? (see above), why were other kids mean to me? (particularly when they'd been perfectly nice half an hour before), why couldn't everyone else see that that was such a simple problem? (surely the teacher could have found a less obvious one!), why did everyone snigger at so-and-so's comment? (it didn't make any sense to me).

Eventually at high school I settled in to a group of other misfits.  People who for one reason or another didn't belong anywhere else.  Slowly, as I matured and learned a little more about the world, I realised that part of the problem was tall poppy syndrome.  I also came to realise that being normal was boring and that I was entirely happy not being normal (thanks in part to a Forjeh, who isn't exactly normal himself).

But as I've gotten a little older and a little wiser still.  I've realised something else:

I am a biologist.  I am a geek.  I am intelligent.  I am a part-time coder, musician, writer, blogger, wife and friend.  I have OOS.  I am owned by a cat.  I am probably also many other things.  But I am ME.  And I am normal.

In its usual context, this is something one comes out of.  So before anyone starts panicking, I don’t have any revelations of this nature to share.  I was, however, pondering what we each keep in our individual sexual closets.  What society accepts as ‘normal’ sexual behaviour is a very narrow and restricted subset of the available range.  Anything even the mildest degree outside of this is generally considered to be shocking.

Take as an example, the age of consent.  In New Zealand, this is 16.  When this was originally instituted, goodness only knows when, this was probably entirely reasonable.  But with improvements in childhood nutrition and medical care, the age of sexual maturity has steadily dropped.  I knew a girl who at 11, could have easily passed for 16 or older.  For girls, full sexual maturity (excluding the late growth you get between 16 and 25) is now quite common by the age of 12.  I myself have been the same height since I was 13.  Yet emotional and intellectual maturity is increasingly being delayed by the complex web of education and social interaction which children of modern society must now navigate.  So one could readily argue that setting the age of consent higher than the age of sexual maturity is really for children’s own protection.

But is that really fair to them?  I don’t just mean fair in a laws-should-be-drawn-up-so-that-they-are-fair-to-all-the-relevant-parties kind of way.  Is it really good for the emotional and psychological health of children (and yes, intellectually they are still children) of that age to tell them that it is not only wrong and bad for them to engage in such behaviours (and by extension, such thoughts), but that it is also illegal (it is such a strong word, with so many negative connotations).  Particularly when these are the very things that their bodies are (quite naturally) driving them to do? 

Then again, perhaps it’s just my fear complex kicking in.

One of the things I love about maths is the ability to find the right answer, and then to be able to prove that it is the right answer. Much as I love biology, there is almost always, no way to do this. Consequently I was rather miffed at my lecturer when the listed answer to the problem:

∫cos 2x dx

Was:

Let u = 2x

*mutters about calculus*

Mahal and NightRain paid us a visit on Saturday afternoon.  It was lovely to see them both again after being away for 3 days.  Mahal and I cooked dinner while NightRain and Forj played Dawn of War. 

The unfortunate part of this story is that on their way out Mahal had a slight contre temps with the curb.  Cue an hour or so of NightRain lying on our dining room floor, a visit from a pair of nice ambulance officers and a trip to the nearest major hospital.  I believe they got home about 4am.  (I note that NightRain is fine, just a little sore).

Like I said: entirely too much excitement.

In other news my brain is playing up more and more as time goes by.  A minor error - the product of a completely innocent misunderstanding - turned into a major upset last night (hence the mood icon).  I think I might be paying my doctor another visit.

This is what happens when the rainbow (or rather raincircle) you are watching out the plane window gets split between two clouds.  You get multicoloured clouds.  It looks particularly cool when you have several layers of rainbow (ie a particularly large one).  Also, watching the shadow of your plane in the center of a rainbow is somewhat surreal.

My contact course was dead boring, but I sat the test which (assuming I pass it), will knock 20% off the weighting of the final exam.  The course was full of 7th formers (=final year high school).  They made me feel old.  I also managed to get my summer school stuff sorted out.

One other thing:

I R Clevah!  (I left my pyjamas at home).

When discussing the contents of your wife's bag at 5am before a 3 day trip.  The correct response to "So why am I taking three shirts then?" is not: "Because you're a woman".

I'll be away for the next three days on a Calculus course, so I'll see you all when I get back.  (And in terms of the post subject, it's a 7 hour drive, so hell no).

I realise that I'm just the driver, but what the hell are you doing???